To Pump is to Flush? Not so Much.

*long post is very long*

And so, with the encouraging words my mother just gave me being 'GET A SWEATSHIRT!!!' I shall now begin my portion on Japanese sanitary customs. Mainly, the topic both you and I love, toilets. Well, okay, maybe not just toilets, but you get the idea. This is bathroom talk, and not as in foul language and dirty jokes. This is complete, thorough, and absolute first hand observations on all my lavatory experience in Japan.

Now, for those of you reading this and going 'what the hell is she on? Toilets? What's so different about toilets?' allow me to explain. Japan, like many other countries outside of the American sphere of intelligence, has different bathing and toilet customs. For example, in some places in Europe, they don't bathe, they shower. Also, you crap in a hole in a floor, not a toilet. Toilets are, in those cases, for rich people. Just like central heating, dishwashers, and cars. For those fancy people with their frilly umbrellas. In Japan, you poo in either a tricked out toilet that does everything or in a hole in the floor.

First, I'll explain the toilets. And I don't mean the hole. I mean the crazy impressive toilets that people either rave about or scratch their heads over. These toilets look mostly normal, the structure similar to American style and, what I would imagine, European style. However, unlike Western toilets which have one feature (flush), Japanese toilets have lots of interesting perks. One, which I've come to appreciate due to the recent weather, is the sensory seat. Now, while in the hotel for one night, this seat was actually a bit startling. *Prepare yourself, for, though details will not be graphic, they will be details.* When sitting down on the hotel toilet (which had a remote by the way), the toilet immediately began a preemptive flush. For some people I know, this could be a way to actually help them use the bathroom, as they are sometimes self conscious of people knowing when they pee and for how long in public bathrooms. I could never understand it, but hey. However, once you sat down and the toilet went "whoosh!" the toilet made some sort of purring noise and began to warm up.

This feature, though seemingly absurd because, honestly, heated toilet seats?, is now my favorite thing about these toilets. I say this because, in Japanese houses, there is no central heating system. Instead, in each individual room there is a heater which is turned on and off depending on whether you turn it on or off. You can also adjust the temperature so it's nice and pleasant in your room *like now where my room is lovely.* However, your room may be lovely and warm, but the hallway just outside isn't, meaning that morning or evening run to the toilet is cold. And sitting on a cold toilet seat isn't exactly a swell thing. Thus, having a toilet, upon registering your weight, begin to warm up so you aren't shivering in the morning, is indeed a fine thing.

So, the toilets flush, heat up, but what else do they do? Well, oh curious one, they also come with many other exciting features, for both men and women! Not only can you control the volume of the flush (whether what you've just completed is a small work of art of a large one), the volume of water can be controlled by turning the flusher one way or the other. AMAZING! And that's not all! These toilets come with a full bidet! Designed for both male and female use so you can ensure yourself to be squeaky clean when you leave the bathroom.

That is, after you've washed your hands in the extremely small skin built into the wall that has no soap and, usually, no paper towels. Interesting, no?

Now, for those of you who have heard of the holes that Japanese people call toilets, don't freak out. Yes, they do have these toilets, but they're not actually just holes in the floor. Originally, when I heard that Japanese use a hole in the floor to do their business, my immediate mental image was that of a wooden floor with a hole cut in it leading to a metal pipe which then, at some point, ended in a septic tank or sewer. To complete this mental image, the floor in question was the fifth floor of an apartment complex and the pipe branched off of another larger pipe and every room in the apartment complex had a similar hole in the floor. Basically, I imagined an extremely elaborate and yet crude outhouse in someone's home.

This is not what a Japanese toilet looks like. In fact, calling it a hole in the floor is, though mostly accurate, an extremely misleading way of describing it. Instead of a hole, it is actually an oblong porcelain basin like structure set into a slightly raised floor with a small hood at one end. Water rushes through at one end to the drain at the other, thoroughly cleaning up whatever you've just done. Gives a whole new meaning to the term 'pop a squat' don't it? Anyway, in Japan, these toilets are actually considered the most sanitary because no part of your body actually touches the toilet, meaning all you have to do is make sure you're clean and go... a feat which isn't always easy, especially considering some Japanese public bathrooms don't have toilet paper. Or paper towels.

However, if you're freaked about having to squat to do your duty, fear not. Thus far, in every bathroom I've been in, it has either been Western style or, in the case of multiple toilets, had the option of either Japanese style or Western style. Nice, huh.

So, if that whole spiel on toilets didn't freak you out and have you learn something, please, let me try to further entertain you. With the topic of bathing. And I don't mean sit in a hot soapy tub until your hands and toes get all wrinkly. For those who don't know, the Japanese are very clean people. It's reflected in their dress, their manners, and even their cities. I haven't seen streets this clean since I was in Disneyland. Honestly. In leu with this, the Japanese are known for their baths. The hot springs, known as Onsen, are famous around the world for their relaxing baths and traditional customs and services. However, bathing is a very serious business. To take a bath, you must be clean. Therefore, you get yourself squeaky and nice BEFORE entering the hot and relaxing water of the bath. How is this done you might wonder. Easy. Three things. Stool. Basin. Shower.

Well, those three things and soap of course.

What you do is fill a the small plastic basin with hot water, douse yourself (upper and lower body NOT YOUR HAIR) with water a few times to get nice and wet before sudsing up. Then, when you've finished process one, you rinse. At a public bath house, you won't have the shower option of turning on the water and just hosing yourself down. However, at home, this is an option. Once you've got all the soap of, then and ONLY THEN can you actually enter the bath. May it be noted that you DO NOT allow your hair to get into the bath. This is considered rude and very bad manners. So, after sitting and enjoying the lovely hot water in the Japanese baths, you get out and, once again, shower off. NOW you can wash your hair and finish your cleaning process.

Now, taking a bath is COMPLETELY optional. Thus far in my stay here, I haven't really had much time to actually take a bath and, since I typically shower in the morning (trust me, bed head doesn't begin to cover the chaos), I haven't been able to actually enjoy a good soak in the tub. Therefore, the process is simple. Get up, go to the toilet, then enter the bathroom. *Yes, the toilet and bathroom are separate* Now, here comes the REALLY COOL PART! Unlike Western homes, the Japanese don't have a water heater. This is EXTREMELY important to know, because if you don't know that you have to turn ON the hot water before trying to take a shower, you're in for one cold experience. Trust me, it's not a great way to wake up. Because they do not have a hot water heater, the Japanese heat the water while it travels through the pipes, meaning you never run out of hot water. However, you pay for the hot water depending on how much you use, so don't just assume you can use as much as you want.

Now the fun part: actually bathing. The space where the actual bath is located is in a water sealed room, meaning anything and everything can get wet. So, once you're all nice and nekkid *naked* (do this in the adjourning room. No one wants to leave a shower in wet clothes), you enter the actual bath area and sit down on the small stood. Now what? Now, you turn on the water until it's hot and do just as I previously described. Basin. Douse. Soap. Again, you don't have to take a bath, therefore instead of keeping your hair dry so as not to be rude, you can also just wash your hair while soaping. Then just switch the faucet to shower and hose off. Simple and quick. And I mean that. At home (America), a shower or bath takes time. You have to get all wet, soap up, do your thing, rinse off, and all this time waiting for water to do it's cleaning thing. Here, you throw some water on yourself, make use of soap, and rinse off. 1. 2. 3. Not only does it conserve water, but it's also extremely effective. I don't know if I ever really want to go back to the Western style of bathing at this point.

So, now you're all nice and clean and can leave the shower. So grab your towel, wipe down, slip on your house slippers, grab your clothes, and TURN OFF THE HOT WATER! Seriously, don't forget to do this.

And there you have it in simple, yet elaborate terms (because I always talk/type too much). Now, you can bring something new and exciting to those boring dinner table conversations and awkward car rides. Amaze your friends with the strange but exciting technicalities of Japanese lavatories and bathing rituals! You can even throw in some ornamentation, like the fact that the Japanese companies all hand out tissues. Why? Well, public bathrooms typically lack toilet paper. You do the math.

Next blog? Ramen and being foreign.

*God I feel like some sort of annoying television show. With the horrifically stereotypical white male who's so hyped on steroids and caffeine he looks like he's peeing himself in excitement. Yeah, that show.*

Ai out-